When I was a little girl my dream was to become a singer, (what little girl doesn’t dream about that) but as I got older I knew that my destiny was to become an actress. There were several reasons why I had to choose this profession. I loved the movies; dramas, bios, psychological thrillers, horror, dark comedies, cult classics, and action/crime movies caught my eye most- specifically if they empowered women.
Whether they were b-listers, box office hits, or box office flops, didn’t matter much to me as long as the acting and plot in the movie was enticing. The idea of stepping outside of your own life in order to assume another’s identity was, in a sense, the perfect scenario for me. I thought, “Hey, I can do this, I have a “special gift” that produces empathetic responses. I can tap into my emotions the way many others cannot because I have the ability to “flashback” to occurrences in my life that are less than appealing.”
Drew Barrymore was my first inspiration. Other than E.T., I’d first seen her in the movie Doppleganger, a b-list psychological thriller with an amazingly twisted plot. After that, I just knew I had to see more of her films. I had to learn more about her, as both a person and an actress. Here’s where fate steps in…(circa 1993) As I was perusing the actor/actresses book of films at Blockbuster Video, the clerk at the counter took notice, we then began to discuss Drew Barrymore and somehow that conversation turned personal. After talking to me for 30 minutes and noting how much I looked like Drew, she offered me her auto-biography, “Little Girl Lost.” I couldn’t believe she was just willing to hand it over, she didn’t even know me, not really.
As it turned out, we had much more in common than just looks, and I began to admire her for more than her acting abilities. Two years later, her auto-biography would become my “higher power” so to speak, something you are encouraged to have in NA/AA. (It doesn’t always have to be God, despite what most people believe, that’s not the core of their teaching- anything that can be used as an inspiration can be used as a higher power.) If she could make it out on top fairly alone, than I could too; as far as acting is concerned, Drew Barrymore was once quoted saying something to this effect, “You almost have to be a little crazy to be a good actor/actress.”
(*NOTE- I have been diagnosed in the past with both bi-polar and BPD. It’s still up for debate after nearly 20 years, not surprisingly, because many of the symptoms are similar and often co-exist together.)
The idea of becoming an actress, that bright bulb that once shone so clearly in my mind, eventually became obsolete. After having been thrust into the world of modeling briefly and taking an acting workshop, (circa 1997) I realized that the very same reasons I wanted to become an actress were also good reasons not to be. Aside from the aforementioned disorders, I also had a panic disorder. Me+limelight+panic disorder+ a past with drug addiction+paparazzi=disaster. I honestly believe I would have become a complete headcase-But, being an artist of all trades, I knew I still wanted to be a part of the entertainment industry, so I took on photography and then writing, which would allow me to remain a part of it all from behind the scenes.
I still adore movies, but I’ve always been more attracted to actresses who rebel against Hollywood’s standards in relation to the “elite,” as well as the actresses who are not only fan friendly, but who use their celebrity status as a tool to fight against all the injustices in the world today. People listen when you have power, it may not be right, but it is what it is. More celebrities need to use their power to speak out on the important issues facing the world today, rather than worrying about how it may affect their careers.
Hollywood has certainly seen it’s share of celebutaunte faux pas, (Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Courtney Love, Drew Barrymore-the list goes on and on) and they’re still standing, as famous as ever. Really, it’s far less risky to speak out on intolerance.
My Faith Renewed
Since tweeting on Twitter I’ve regained some of the admiration I’d lost among the Hollywood elite. Alyssa Milano is arguably the most active twitterer with her fans. That is something to be revered for, truly. Eliza Dushku is also in this category, and both of these gorgeous celebutantes spoke out about the heinous decision made in California regarding prop 8. Eliza even attended the rally! Talk about being humble and real.
Ladies, keep rocking with your bad selves- To all you other celebrities out there- (barring a few I may have forgotten to mention) You should really follow their lead, you may be surprised by the results you get.